What Makes Them Really Tick Series- Survive Vs. Thrive
Let’s first examine the word “need.” This is a word we all use, but how many of us understand it on an intellectual level? Webster’s New Dictionary defines need as “want, requirement, compulsion, necessity.” Those are powerful words, aren’t they? It implies an internal, under deniable force that compels us to satisfy it. This idea that needs to influence behavior has long been a part of psychological and relational theory. This theory proposed that once a human being’s most basic physiological needs are met, they begin looking for fulfillment of higher echelons of need such as safety, love, a sense of belonging and self-actualization.
This theory is now known as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and many psychologists use it to understand human behavior. At the base of this hierarchy is what are classically considered “true needs” for human survival. These include:
- Homeostasis (which is the body’s basic ability to stay in biological balance)
- And excretion (for lack of better words we are talking about pooping and peeing)
These elements are required for us and our species to continue living. In the strictest sense it’s all we truly “need”. We are driven- compelled- to fulfill these needs to stay alive. Interestingly, only one of these core needs for survival requires two people and that’s sex. Let’s face it, if you had to you could breathe, eat, drink water, sleep, find shelter, and all the rest by yourself. But you can’t have sex by yourself.
That means sex is an absolute critical part of every relationship. It’s a core human need that goes beyond psychological desire. It’s how perpetuated the species, and because of this we are driven to find sexual partners by deep biological mechanisms over which we have little control. It’s also why sex is such a sacred thing in relationships. Imagine, you find a person you love and trust enough to share this core human requirement with… that’s a profound thing. Then imagine something happens in your relationship that impacts the sex. Imagine how that affects the relationship. The consequences can be dire.
Later in this series I will talk more about sex and how to deal with those problems, but now I will focus on what happens after core physiological needs like sex have been fulfilled. You see I have found there is an emotional resonance frequency that drives each of us, and it is made up if a unique combination of needs that matter to each of us individually on an emotional level. The weight that an individual gives to these needs that make up their individual emotional resonance frequency stems from the way they relate to the world.
That means the formula for happiness is a little different from person to person and the sad part is that couples I see every day who’ve been together for 20+ years don’t have the slightest clue what their partner’s most important needs are. Your emotional resonance frequency if very important to you, but your partner has their own set of frequencies that more than likely don’t perfectly align with your list. Therefore, people often end up guessing at their partner’s needs or project their own needs onto their partner. Then both end up dissatisfied in the relationship. We aren’t always conscious of how human being’s function. When it comes to your partner, you may not intuitively get what it is that drives them deep beneath the surface. But once you understand what drives them, you can do something about it. You can melt your partner’s heart by taking the time to get to know what their emotional resonance frequency is.
This is what I call tuning into your emotional resonance frequency. The truth is your partner wants you to meet their needs. The level of happiness your partner has with the relationship can be directly attributed to how in tune you are with their emotional resonance frequency. The same goes for your happiness and satisfaction in the relationship too. A relationship requires more than just the two of you showing you up… a conscious couple realizes that tuning into your partner’s emotional resonance frequency is critical for creating a match made in heaven. But if you spend time trying to guess what your partner’s emotional resonance frequency is rather than finding out specifics, not only are you wasting time it could lead to you losing your partner.
Remember people are compelled by their needs, driven to get their emotional resonance frequency in tune. They will continue to search for fulfillment until that occurs. A hallmark of a great relationship is where both people are authentic with one another and take the time to get to know each other’s core needs. It’s not enough to just make a list and then assume that takes care of it. I want you to strive to understand why your partner is driven by their emotional resonance frequency. This can be challenging at first because some of your partner’s needs may not be ones that you rank as particularly important. So, you may then struggle to understand why anyone else would think some of those needs are important!
By learning you partners emotional resonance frequency, you will learn how to dig down and understand the deepest part of what makes your partner tick and what makes them hum. And that’s the ticket to true intimacy. And it’s a sustainable form of intimacy. This isn’t a short-term tactic.
This really becomes the glue for couples who are best-friends, soulmates and ultimately a match made in heaven.
Next week we will dive into the 10 emotional resonance frequencies and cover the first 5, stay up to date to become a true match made in heaven!